Thursday, January 12, 2006

Angelina Jolie Horrified at "Brangelina" Face Morph Result, Brad Pitt as Biological Father

According to a trusted friend, actress Angelina Jolie was reportedly brought to tears on Thursday by the sight of a composite image of "Brangelina" composed by morphing the two star's famous faces, a rough estimate of what the result of the most anticipated pregnancy of 2006 will look like."What in the *** **** is that!?" the pregnant star is rumored to have exclaimed when shown the composite image, before bursting into tears. Jolie, the adoptive mother of cute little Cambodian-born Maddox Jolie-Pitt and wide-eyed Zahara Jolie-Pitt, is causing consternation among close pals who feel that the star has grown too fond of picking out the single most adorable baby in a foreign orphanage to have a child by her side who inevitably "photographs well" and may not be emotionally prepared for the unpredictable and sometimes atrocious results of random genetic mixing of sperm and ova."Everyone wants a pretty baby... and no one wants to see their own body wrecked with stretch marks and saggy skin, not to mention what happens after you push an 8 pound monstrosity out of a hole the size of a, well, you know," says an anonymous guy pal close to the starlet. "Angie's hoping that the pain and suffering will be worth it when the most beautiful baby of the two most famous and beautiful people in the world emerges from the most beautiful placenta in the world."The convenience of adoption apparently did not prepare the future Mrs. Pitt for the real possibility of producing a dog-ugly fetus. "She thought the facial composite image [close pal] Karen Broglio had prepared as a surprise present was a gag photo of Leonardo diCaprio trying to look as gay as possible. That is, until the famous mother-to-be examined the photo more closely and realized that the man was a morphed compsite of her and her future husband's features, which she derided as "the sort of creep you see walking out of a live male strip club show involving baby animals", yet may be a fairly accurate indication of what the future Brangelina kid will grow up to be. "I could never love something like that!" one friend overheard Ms. Jolie exclaim while crumpling the full-size composite image into a wastebasket."Angie's freakishly huge lips, Brad's long neck and wide ears and Angie's arched peak eyebrows combined together on one little boy might just create the sort of sad human monstrosity that gets a nickname like Lard Pug Face on the first day of grade school and develops low self-esteem and behavior problems.""Nicole Kidman had a surrogate mother deliver her biological children so as not to risk ruining her oh-so-perfect bod and career. Angie is taking a big risk, not to mention the emotional issues she has been coping with over the last two decades and now the Jennifer Aniston factor --an ugly baby just might push her over the edge."


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